In a move that stunned the world of Bikers and "chopper" aficionados alike, Paul Teutul, Sr., bombastic patriarch of the Teutul clan featured on the programs "American Chopper" and "American Chopper: Sr. vs. Jr." announced his retirement this morning, turning his beleagured "Orange County Choppers" empire over to his son, Paul Teutul, Jr.

The decision to saddle his son with the debt-ridden, nearly bankrupt failure should have come as no surprise to former viewers, he said. "Ah, everybody knows that, ah, uh, erm, it was all his fault that it went, uh, into the ground like a dart anyway," Teutul Sr. explains; "especially when that weasel, um, er, ah Vinnie - I never liked him anyway - and that traitor ah, y'know, ah, Joe set up shop just a mortar's launch away from here, ah, ah, uh, and kicked our asses up between our shoulder blades, if you know what I'm uh sayin'."

Teutul Sr. elaborated on his decision to turn the reins of OCC over to what is widely considered his biggest competitor; "I made a deal with uh Carlos and we gutted the dump like a frat house with an eviction notice, so there's nothing left of value anyway," he chortled; "the bank foreclosed on the Taj Mahal a while back, but not before I worked out a deal with the county for tax breaks that would have made Al Capone blush, and had Jason crank out a bunch of the ugliest, stupidest excuses for choppers he could come up, just to tank the brand. Last, I decided to use my stake in a stable full of slow thoroughbreds to supply my new burger joint, the 'OCC Cafe.' By the time they catch on to which Health Inspectors I bought, my ass will be long-gone and Junior will be left holding the bag."

His plans for the immediate future include; "an extended vacation," he said; "someplace with lax extradition laws." There, he plans to return to his first loves: ballet, and professional hollering. "Ever since I was a boy getting my ass kicked by Pops, I imagined I was naked, pirouetting in the sand and making foghorn sounds from both ends. Here, pull my finger."

 

Paul Teutul, Jr. has not returned our calls, but a spokeswoman who preferred to remain anonymous said in a statement: "So? That old douchebag does crazy @&)^ all the time, especially since he started hanging out with Trump. Now he's demanding to see Paulie's 'long form' birth certificate, and last week he tweeted the same picture four times, with different captions. He's lost it. How did you get this number, anyway?"